Tomorrow will make four weeks. FOUR weeks.
That’s pretty much a month. It feels like just yesterday and an eternity all at the same time.
We got the call around 9:15 in the morning on January 18th. My husband’s father had passed away in his sleep the night before. Although his doctors had recently discovered a heart condition that he has likely had his entire life, no one expected this.
So we sat in my in-laws’ living room in silence. My mother-in-law’s friends and boss all there in their nurse scrubs. My sister-in-law sitting in her usual spot on the hearth, even though there was no fire burning. My husband and brother-in-law pacing, hugging, crying; both not being able to grasp the situation. And her. My mother-in-law, widowed only hours, sitting in her spot on the love seat.
There are just no words. Only emotions at that point.
Raw, rough around the edges, not knowing how to deal emotions.
The emotions that come along with losing someone close to you are an odd thing. You know that at some point in your life, it’s coming. You know how you are going to feel. But having never actually felt that way before, the feelings feel foreign and not at all yours. Like looking at your life, but through a broken window. You can see what’s going on, but nothing quite lines up.
When they carried my father-in-law’s body out of the house, no one wanted to see. We all looked away. But then something odd happened. We all had a need to see them put him into the hearse. I don’t know why, but we all moved silently to the double glass doors to watch. I stood on the edge, looking through the decorative part of the window and I remember thinking: this is what my reality looks like. I can see what’s going on, but it’s just not right.
This is a picture of that same window, the same spot I had stood in almost a week before, looking on. This is our lives now. Until we find our “new normal”, this is what life looks like. It’s there. We can see it. But nothing lines up. It’s just not clear.
Brad Dad, I love you. If I could have hand-picked my father-in-law, I could not have picked one better than you.
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